OMGabe

by Gabe Berman – the author of Live Like a Fruit Fly

Archive for the category “humor”

A LETTER TO THE GRAY HAIR NEAR MY NIPPLE

Dear Gray Hair Near My Nipple,

Dude, what the fuck is your problem?

I didn’t even see you yesterday and this morning, you almost poked my goddamn eye out while I was brushing my teeth.

Okay.

I get it.

You win.

I’m getting older.

Just stop already. Please.

And, FYI, I just approached an Orthodox Jewish kid in Starbucks and said, “Does everyone tell you a million times a day that you look exactly like Adrien Grenier from Entourage?”

To which he said, “Who’s Adrien Grenier and what’s Entourage?”

Silly wabbit, Trix are for kids.

love/thanks,
gabe

“In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

www.LiveLikeAFruitFly.com

www.WhereIsGodWhenOurLovedOnesGetSick.com

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My Dad Killed My Math Teacher

The last words to come from my math teacher’s lips were, “Gabe is a really good kid.”

It was open school night and I was in the sixth grade.

I was home, watching TV with my sister, and all of the parents in the neighborhood were walking from classroom to classroom.

My dad introduced himself to my math teacher. They shook hands.

Immediately after saying, “Gabe is a really good kid,” my math teacher dropped to the floor like Sonny Liston.

He died right there at my dad’s feet. Massive heart attack.

Hopefully, they’re up there now, laughing about it.

But probably not.

In all likelihood, they see each other from time to time in Heaven’s Cafeteria. It’s a 24-hour joint. They politely nod, but that’s about it.

My math teacher sits at a table with his family and my dad sits with ours.

Jimi Hendrix is hanging with Jesus at an adjacent table.

Jesus gets hit with a spitball and says, “Hey, what the…?”

My dad keeps his classic straight face and avoids making contact with the big guy.

Jesus silently forgives him.

And so have I, for every time he got mad at me, my mom, or my sister for apparently no justified reason.

I now know he was doing the best he could at the time.

www.WhereIsGodWhenOurLovedOnesGetSick.com

www.LiveLikeAFruitFly.com

www.WeightLossCoffeeMiracle.com

In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success

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The Old Man And The Aide

I saw an old man with his aide in front of a beauty supply store.

She intended to open the door for him but he said, “I can get it.”

He was a gentleman in his blue jeans, plaid shirt, Members Only-ish jacket and pair of Hush Puppies.

The heavy door resisted his initial pull, but in the end, it was no match for his determination and it relented.

His aide smiled graciously and he followed her into the store.

With ease, I opened the door to the adjacent Starbucks.

But that old man is me. He is you. If we’re fortunate enough to avoid the slings and arrows of life, he’s our fate.

You’d think we’d be kinder to others now. You’d think we’d be kinder to ourselves.

But greed breeds fear and spreads the gospel of not-enoughness. It seems we have no choice but to run rampant like rats in an unwinable rat-race and squander our youthfulness in pursuit of the illusion of future security.

But we do have a choice. We can choose to choose kindness. We can choose to choose to be grateful for the little things. Because trust me, they turn out to be the only things that matter.

The future is now. It shapes itself through you.

With love and thanks,
gabe

www.WhereIsGodWhenOurLovedOnesGetSick.com – the question that haunts us and the answer that helps us heal

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