Bubby’s plants must have been thirsty.
It’s been weeks since they’ve been watered.
I was never alone in her place before and, at first, it was a bit unsettling.
Talking to her plants made me feel better pretty quickly though.
I told them not to worry. That I’d take care of them.
I watched her die and was the one to identify her body before it was lowered into the ground, but it was still shocking to me that she wasn’t there. Offering me non-vegetarian food I wouldn’t eat. Asking me, again, if I like All In The Family.
Her toothbrush is still in the bathroom. Her white sneakers are still lined up perfectly in the closest. The package of menthol cough drops I recently bought for her is still on the table next to the recliner – the chair which was once my Pop-pop’s.
I looked around a little more, locked up and left.
I thought about how she’d always walk me to the elevator. Sometimes she’d tell me about all of her friends who have died. But she’d always tell me she loved me as the elevator doors opened. I’d always hug her and say it back.
These sweet moments will forever eclipse, easily, how disappointed she was with me.
I know she couldn’t help it. Nobody can.
It’s okay though.
I know I’m enough.
And regardless of how anyone feels about you or has felt about you, or has made you feel about yourself, please trust me when I say that you’re enough as well.
I swear to god you are.
And I know these are just words on a page, but I hope at some point they really resonate with you. Resonate and then soak deep into your cells and soul.
And before anyone jumps down my throat for telling people they shouldn’t try to be better, I assure you I’m not saying that.
What I’m saying, which should be obvious, is that you don’t exist to prove yourself to anyone. You’re here, regardless of whatever the fuck anyone says, to witness the good in the the world and to add to it as often as you can. The end.
Because our toothbrushes and cough drops and plants and the rest of our stuff will outlive us and none of that shit will matter anymore.
But maybe people will talk about how loving you were. And that certainly doesn’t suck.
Anyway, I got outside and there was a spoon on the floor near my car.
Which is just perfect.
“There is no spoon…” – Neo
thank you all for your sympathy and your love and your time – I am truly grateful,
P.S. I’m sorry about the title. But just a little. Maybe it got someone to read it who needed to.
buy my goddamn books here: