by Gabe Berman – the author of Live Like a Fruit Fly

Archive for the month “February, 2014”


Dear Gray Hair Near My Nipple,

Dude, what the fuck is your problem?

I didn’t even see you yesterday and this morning, you almost poked my goddamn eye out while I was brushing my teeth.


I get it.

You win.

I’m getting older.

Just stop already. Please.

And, FYI, I just approached an Orthodox Jewish kid in Starbucks and said, “Does everyone tell you a million times a day that you look exactly like Adrien Grenier from Entourage?”

To which he said, “Who’s Adrien Grenier and what’s Entourage?”

Silly wabbit, Trix are for kids.


“In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success


Oh Shit, What Have I Started?

“I just ordered the weight loss coffee from your website. It better work.”

That’s a message I recently received from a woman on Facebook. She ended it with a winky face, but I could tell she was being more serious than playful.

Instead of feeling excited, I automatically thought, “Oh shit, what have I started?”

This woman is in England and I’d rather not be leading people astray on two continents.

I’ve been a little nervous about this and have been keeping my fingers crossed every time I check my messages on Facebook, which I do, FYI, all day, everyday. Like a goddamn junkie.

But so far, the correspondence has been quite cordial.

I say stuff like, “You know we kicked the living shit out of you guys twice.”

She thought I was referring to the Olympics.

I said, “No, I mean once in 1776 and then again in 1812. I hope you’ve learned your lesson.”

To which she said, “The house I live in is older than your country.”

Touché Miss Moneypenny. Touché.

Her beautiful house, pictured below, was built in 1736.

Thankfully, I woke up this morning to a message from her which read, “Gabe I’ve lost weight, I can’t tell you how much because I don’t own any scales, neither have I weighed myself, but lets just say a few pounds!”

I think she said “pounds” for my benefit. Because, don’t they say kilos over there? Or stones or quid or pence or something like that? Silly Brits should learn their own language already.

Anyway, she’s only been drinking the weight loss coffee for about a week and she already feels and looks slimmer.

So now it’s officially official. I know I’m doing a good thing by spreading the word and I’m never going to question it again.

Back here in the States, my friend who lost six pounds in eleven days is now down nine pounds.

North America: check

Europe: check

Who’s next?

Click here to see what Dr. Oz said about it


The City Of Angels

Since I’m the nicest guy since sliced bread, I drove my friend John to the airport.

He jetted off to Los Angeles because his house was Hurricane Sandyized and it’s finally being fixed up.

I schlepped some of his stuff to my place so it would remain unscathed, and in the car to the airport, John turned to me and said, “Hey man, if by chance something happens when I’m out there and I don’t make it back, keep my things. I trust you to make good use of them.”

I blew that off with, “Whatever man, I’ll see you when you get back in two months.”

We were listening to my dad’s copy of Sgt. Pepper’s and Paul just sang: Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four?

John said, “I was around seventeen when I first heard this album. Sixty-four sounded like light years away. Because man, it was. And now I’ll be sixty-four in three months.”

Looking like an older Jim Morrison and holding a guitar in one hand and his cat Minnie in the other, John walked through the doors of the Delta terminal after we hugged goodbye.

I know I’ll see him again and we’ll get back to talking business in Starbucks. You know: Rumi, writing, the reading of the tarot etc.

But the truth is, maybe he will meet his maker out there. Or maybe, I’ll meet mine here.

It happens to all of us eventually. And just like it is with meeting your one true love, it’s usually when you least expect it.

I remember watching a Louie C.K. special on TV in the middle of the night. My dad was sleeping and I was sitting next to his bed in the hospital.

Louie said something like, “You’re all laughing now, but at least some of you will be dead soon.”

Everyone laughed, but I’m sure some of the audience thought about it later that evening. Probably as soon as their heads hit the pillow.

This reminds me of a Charles Bukowski quote someone once emailed me, “We’re all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.”

Thankfully, this doesn’t apply to John. And it’s applying less and less to me.

Anyone else like to join us?

Evolution is in our own hands…

In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success


I Almost Got Into A Fight Today With A Madman

“Do you have a cell phone?” asked a man of a young couple today on the Long Beach boardwalk.

He was at least 6′ 3″, in his mid forties, had white bandages on two fingers and asked this couple for their cell phone in a very aggressive tone.

They ignored him so he turned to me because I was the next closest person walking by.

He looked similar to those guys you see getting arrested on Cops who are jacked up on angel dust. Layers of disconnected rage, through and through.

From about four feet way, he asked me with a stern voice, “Do you have a cell phone?”

There was evil in his eyes.

I stopped and stared back, silently. He stopped advancing.

Turning up the pressure he said, “I know you have a cell phone.”

“I do,” I calmly relied.

“Can I use it?” he asked assertively.

“I don’t think so,” I answered.

Pointing at me, he yelled, “Well, FUCK YOU!”

I took a conscious breath and asked, “You sure about that?”

He understood quite clearly that I was inviting him to take it up a notch, if he dared.

He dared.

99% of the time, this is where most “men” fold their cards – regardless of how they were initially posturing with me. But this guy was fearless and full of rage.

He put his head down and stepped towards me like a bull.

I stepped my right foot back and positioned myself in case I had to get medieval on him.

I loudly said, “Don’t even fucking think about it.”

Which, thankfully, made him think about it. He ceased moving forward.

I started waking backwards, away from him.

I said, “You know what man, I’m going to use my cell phone to call 911.”

Which I did.

The police told me they were already on their way due to previous calls from other good citizens.

He quickly hightailed it off in the opposite direction.

After incidents like this, and there’s been more than a few, I’d call my dad.

He’d always say something like, “Wow. I’m glad you’re okay.”

And I’d always answer with something like, “C’mon, you know if something really happened, I’d be the one left standing.”

To which he would always say, “Just make sure you don’t go back the same way. And stay aware.”

Moments before this all went down by the way, I was feeling so grateful for the melting snow and the fifty degree weather. I was actually feeling so grateful, to be honest, just to be me.

And now I sit here typing to you (yes you, the person reading these words now) and I’m so grateful my dad taught me when to stand my ground, when to leave and most of all, when to be aware.



Because the universe can be very subtle in its beauty and very direct with its sudden surprises – and you don’t want to miss either.

Today would have been my parent’s 45th anniversary. It’s the first one my mom is alone for.

In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success


Dear Dad…

Dear Dad,

I’m sitting alone at the kitchen table, staring at my iPad.

Paul Simon’s “The Boy In The Bubble” just came on Pandora.

I can still hear you singing along with the song (typing that made me cry).

– – – – – – – – – – – – – — – – – – – — – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – — – – – – – — – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – — – – – – – — – – – – – –

Amazing. “Son of a Preacher Man” is playing now.

Are you sending me a sign that you know I’m writing about you (we’d look over to each other, smile, and silently agree that we were done changing channels when we caught Pulp Fiction on TV)?

I hope so.

Actually, I know so.

Thank you.

I couldn’t miss you more.



Who Watches The Watchmen?

“I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor.

Says he’s depressed.

Says life is harsh and cruel.

Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says, ‘Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up.’

Man bursts into tears.

Says, ‘But doctor… I am Pagliacci.’

Good joke.

Everybody laugh.

Roll on snare drum.


Rorschach from “Watchmen”


Down 6 Pounds in 11 Days

My friend lost six pounds in eleven days – just by drinking weight loss coffee.

Six pounds. Eleven days. Didn’t change his diet. Didn’t hit the gym like Arnold.

Totally crazy.

Two weeks ago I told his wife, who’s also my friend, about the breadcrumbs leading to this, and she, very skeptically, ordered coffee to support me.

Today she texted me, “Get this – My husband weighed himself this morning… He lost 6 freakin lbs!!!”

I’ve heard many stories like this, but until today, they were just stories I wanted to believe.

Thankfully, my belief has graduated to knowledge.

I’m so grateful I forced myself to take the leap of faith when I did.

And, an FYI to all of the people in Indiana – this friend of mine has joined forces with me and if you know it or not, you’ll all be buying weight loss coffee from her in the near future.

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.”
– Saint Augustine


Words I Wish I Wrote

You can play the game and you can act out the part
Though you know it wasn’t written for you
But tell me, how can you stand there with your broken heart
Ashamed of playing the fool
One thing can lead to another; it doesn’t take any sacrifice
Oh, father and mother, sister and brother
if it feels nice, don’t think twice

Just shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna work out fine if you only will
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way you feel
Things are gonna be much better if you only will…

– James Taylor “Shower The People”

FYI – the first version of Live Like A Fruit Fly ended with JT’s line, “The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.”

The truly great writers need very few words.

“In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success



Steve Jobs: Secrets of Life in 1 minute and 42 seconds:


Fish Are People Too

My sister’s neighbor knocked on the door yesterday. She was holding a fish.

Not in the palm of her hand mind you, but in a bowl.

It’s purple. Or purplish. And standard pet-fish size.

His name is Sushi.

My sister’s neighbor said, “Can you guys watch him for a week?”

“Sure,” I said.

She handed him to me and said, “If he ever looks dead, just tap on the glass.”

To that I asked, “But lets say he is dead?”

She didn’t respond.

I almost asked again, but she was already knee deep in the snow, halfway back to her house. I think she said she was going to Tampa.

I put the bowl on the dining room table, and then wrestled with my sister’s golden retriever in the den until we were both out of breath.

We were nose to nose on the floor. Staring into each other’s eyes.

I thought, “What’s the difference between this beautiful dog and Sushi? What’s the difference between me and Sushi?”

Gills aside, nothing.

So I did what I knew I had to.

I got up off of the floor and took a seat at the dining room table. It was just me and the fish.

But what do you say to a fish? A fish who lives alone, in a universe composed of only a couple of cups of water?

I felt a little weird, but I said the one thing I’d want to hear if roles we reversed.

I established eye contact as best I could, and with all sincerity I said, “I love you.”

I said it again and again and again.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

For about twenty seconds.

I swear he started to swim with more vigor.

As for me, I felt less of the world’s weight. At least for a little while.

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” – Aristotle


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