by Gabe Berman – the author of Live Like a Fruit Fly

Cast Out The Money Changers

I was just sitting outside of a cafe with a coffee and my ipad when this bone thin woman around my age, a Karen, jettisoned out of the place and said with exacerbation, “I can’t believe people are still wearing masks!”

She spewed it into the wind with no audience in mind but certainly was eyeballing me for a dose of “you agree with me, right?” which I sure as fuck wasn’t going to give her.

Instead, I said, but only because she put her stuff down near me in order to take photos of her food for some inexplicable reason, “Well, there’s a pandemic going on out there.”

And I swear I said it sweetly, mater-of-factly, without any aggression or sarcasm. Just your friendly neighborhood Gaberman imparting a bit of common sense about current affairs.

That is, until she, like a snot said, “No there’s not.”

Which was the catalyst for me to say, “Wait, you don’t have a newspaper or TV?”

She smugly smiled like I caught her farting. Like a Karen.

That’s also the moment when I noticed she had, not just one but two crosses dangling around her neck which was, for the record, wrinkling prematurely.

I continued by asking, “Why would you even care if someone wore a mask to protect you from getting sick?”

Still trying to get a good shot of her carrots like it was some sort of goddamn GQ cover, she looked up at me and laughed in my face as if I was one of those poor beggars on the street that I’m sure she never ever ever gave a single cent to.

That’s it cunt-rag. Gloves. Are. Off.

“Hey, I see those two crosses around your neck,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea, at all, what it’s like NOT to serve two masters.”

She nervously smiled and kept her head down.

I continued with, “I wonder if you have any idea at all what it’s like to ACTUALLY love your neighbor.”

I let that sink in for about a half of a sec and then said, “The truth is, you point your bullshit to a complete stranger without even knowing or caring how I may feel about it. You walk around with those two crosses around your neck and you wouldn’t know the first thing about what Jesus said. Would you?”

At this point in our story, you might be asking yourself, “Why did I go for the jugular like GI Joe and the kung-fu grip?”

Because she, along with her demonic death-cult ilk, is directly responsible, and continues to contribute to, all of the ills facing our country. From covid to this constant constitutional crisis that causes anxiety to arise incessantly in me and anyone else who is good hearted.

Therefore, when the opportunity arises, I am, as John Lennon said, Instant Karma. Or better yet, as Radiohead said, the Karma Police.

So, fuck you and your phony Christianity. How dare you do this to us.

But what did I say to her as she picked up her shit and left in a defeated huff? Well, because I know the real real and live it, all day everyday, I said, “Hey, regardless, I hope you stay safe and I hope you don’t get sick.”

And for all you out there reading this and think I went too far with her, or wasted my time with her, or think shouldn’t have typed the word cunt, well, I hope you stay safe too.

“For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?

tough love,


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5 thoughts on “Cast Out The Money Changers

  1. Priceless, Gabe. The hypocrisy of wearing not one, but TWO crosses? As if that will protect her from Covid?

    And I love your use of the word cunt-rag.

    By the way, it wouldn’t surprise me to see her added to the list on New graduates almost everyday. Karma is a bitch.


  2. Perfect!! I wish I was quick enough on my feet to verbalize my frustration like this. Please give my best to your Mom (Susie). We met on an Alaskan cruise a number of years back. She’s a lot of fun.

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