by Gabe Berman – the author of Live Like a Fruit Fly

Archive for the tag “Starbucks”

Lets Do The Time Warp…Again

It’s 10:52 PM on a Saturday night and an old man is sitting all alone at Starbucks and it’s breaking my heart.

But then again, it’s 10:52 PM on a Saturday night and here I sit, all alone as well.

I’m pretty okay though.

And I hope he is too.

Maybe he’s me in the future?

If so, I hope there’s someone, somewhere, who truly loves him.

this is what your mom wants for Mother’s Day (she called me last night and told me):
Love Looks Like This



Fucking ABBA? Really??

Dear Starbucks,

Regardless of how it may have tested in some corporate boardroom, I assure you, beyond question, Dancing Queen by ABBA is never appropriate for a cool coffee cafe such as yours. Especially at this current, insanely loud volume.

I mean c’mon, haven’t you guys heard of Buddha Lounge?

Meditative, melodic beats and your dark roast?

That’s like love at first site that lasts.

Bubble gum, pop tunes and your dark roast?

That’s just bad makeup on a beautiful woman.

Wait, Marvin Gaye’s Got To Give It Up just came on.

You’ve been redeemed.

sorry/thank you,


– – – – –


Knock Knock Neo

It’s official – we’re in the goddamn Matrix.

I’m at Starbucks and the music is blasting. I can clearly hear it through my headphones and for the most part, it sucks.

So, I asked them if they can turn it don’t a notch. Without making eye contact, the girl behind the counter said, “Not during frappy hour.”

Frappy hour? Are you fucking kidding me man?

“Do not try to bend the spoon. For that is impossible. Only try to realize the truth: there is no spoon. Then you will see that it’s not the spoon that bends, but only yourself.”

(I swear, a woman wearing a red dress just walked in. Holy shit. A sign? Definitely.)


Read my new book:

Post Navigation