Call Me Ishmael
If the sun was out and the world was awake, I wouldn’t even think about doing it.
But in the wee small hours of the morning, I brought my old iPhone out of retirement to reconnect with some old pics.
Dozens of shots of the beach I lived across the street from, an equal amount of dogs I’d meet walking into Starbucks, and of course, countless captures of my dad.
Looking happy before it all went down, forcing a calm face at my cousin’s wedding right after the diagnosis, and one of him bundled up in front of the house in a wheelchair. A few months before he died. Looking more like his old mother than the tough guy from Brooklyn he once was.
Upon seeing that last one, all of my peaceful, nearly enlightened, feelings of the day were washed away like a bad dye job.
Oh my God, what he went through. And, what we went through with him.
I regrouped while having cereal this morning though.
I realized, or re-realized, that all of that suffering only exists in one place now.
In my head.
He’s certainly not feeling it anymore. Only I am.
It serves no one to dwell on it.
But I swear I don’t intend to. Even when I’m not looking at pics, these awful memories can hit me like a rouge wave.
It sweeps out my legs and I tumble violently. Mercilessly. Until the sea settles and I find my feet again. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I don’t think I can prevent this from happening. And I don’t think I’d even want to if I could.
But, as I said, it serves no one to dwell on it.
The thing is, I already know how to save myself in these situations. I wrote about it in Live Like A Fruit Fly.
Active Appreciation is a life jacket I need to wear more often.
I need to remember to put one on as soon as I wake up.
I need to make sure the straps are secured throughout the day.
Maybe you do too.
thanks for spending these few minutes with me,
“In Live Like a Fruit Fly, Gabe Berman shares his recipe for living a more joyful, worthwhile, and abundant life in every way. A witty, entertaining, and insightful read.” — Deepak Chopra, Author, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success