by Gabe Berman – the author of Live Like a Fruit Fly


(I’m honored to have bestselling author Rachel Thompson guest-blog-it-up on my new bloggityblog-blogathon: This letter is heavy as hell but she’s also crazy funny. Check out her books The Mancode: Exposed and A Walk In The Snark. And just so you know, she got her first tattoo today. I suggested a Live Like a Fruit Fly tramp-stamp, but she decided on something infinitely more tasteful.)


You killed yourself almost three years ago.

Atoms that occupied your space split and fell.

Your actions put those you left behind into a category: S – Shock A – Anger R – Rejection A- Acceptance, no matter where we were on that fateful autumn day.

Fall. The word has many meanings.

At lunch we spoke. At dinner, you were gone.

Grief is an interesting emotion, in that everyone handles it differently. I was so angry at you, for being so incredibly selfish. Though no longer together, for many years, I still held you in my heart.

How dare you break it again? You had no fucking right.

Selfish bastard.

I know your actions weren’t about me. I’m not that shallow. But grief makes you mourn for the person who no longer impacts your life. Maybe we’re all selfish when it comes down to it.

When you visit in my dreams, you’re always out of reach, but calm and happy. I choose to believe that while suicide was your way out, these dreams are simply a message from the universe that your atoms haven’t fallen, they’ve simply reorganized.

Yet another meaning for fall.


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  1. excellent Rachel xox

  2. Thank you Gabe for suggesting I write this letter in the first place. You have a gift, my friend: for words, for people, for understanding. I’m honored to be your first guest.

    Thank you Eden for being the first to comment! Hearts and shit. 😉

  3. loved it, Rachel.

  4. justinbog on said:

    Yes, the hardest part is to keep going.

  5. Living is hard. Living without can be hell. Selfish is, sometimes, the only way to be when you claw your way back into the light. When dead comes, be it by one’s own hand, another beings or something incomprehensible to the human mind, it blows a hole the size of eternity in the centers of those left behind.

    I’m sorry you’re still hurting. And more so that you’re still angry. I get that. But isn’t closure suppose to happen at some point?

    (Oh, crap, new column forming…)

    Fuck mortality.

    • Yes, that’s what I hear.

      Death in and of itself is closure. How much more final can that be?

      It’s not as raw for me, and I can’t do anything about it except, accept.

  6. Excellent Rachel.
    I think, to an extent, our grief can absolutely manifest itself into selfish behavior, from the survivors.
    Great letter about letting go, and surviving.

  7. They say it’s the ones left behind who suffer the most. This was heart wrenching Rachel, because I have lost people who were dear to me this way, but I’m glad you posted it.

  8. Powerful stuff, Rachel. They say all truly good humor comes from pain. I think in this case they’re right.

  9. Just found this. assume we’re talking suicide. suicide is a wound that never heals. never. You’d think dying would be easier. but not really. with suicide you’re left with questions you can never answer, regrets you can never assuage,what-ifs that haunt u to your dying day. plain ordinary death just leaves a hole in you. you fill in around it. my father died more than a decade ago. i never had the chance to say goodbye. i go days, weeks, sometimes months without thinking about him. and when i remember, it’s as if it happened this morning. i’d give virtually anything to have five minutes with him. but not going to happen. you just keep going.

  10. Jonathan on said:

    That was so beautifully written. I had a good friend in college commit suicide. I was only 19 at the time. I almost passed out when I found out. His suicide rocked the college and friendships were destroyed because of it.
    Suicide is never easy to handle.

  11. I miss, I miss, I wish… Been there in a different way, ouch. 3 years ago this coming January. Thank you for sharing. Remember to always BE the light you already are. Sheri

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